the loving brain

Today in psychology we had a lecture on the loving brain, why we love people and how we fall in love, why we kiss and what our brain is doing during all of this

it’s really intriguing and almost elegant in a way, because all of the general stereotypes about love don’t really correlate with how the brain sees love

the best part about all of it was the latin quote he gave,

“Nemo Dat quod non habet”

You cannot give what you do not have

It goes for anything really, but for love it’s really important

No one can really make you happy, they can make you happier but not the original foundation of general happiness. That part is up to you. Because we have to have love in order to give love and if we don’t have love for ourselves, if we haven’t acquired enough of it then there’s nothing to give away

He used the analogy of a spaghetti strainer, that some people are full of holes from the past where love didn’t go where it needed to be. So now no matter how much love you invest into them, pour into them, it gets lost somewhere. It falls out, they are doubtful, they question it, they don’t know how to keep it.

And no one can fill up all of your holes except you, because people can keep on pouring love into you for years but if you don’t know how to keep it, appreciate it, and give it back then there’s no point

You have to posses something and really understand it in order to give it away

Before you can fully take care of or love anyone, you have to work on yourself.

And he talked about how love is essential, how babies who aren’t held and cradled get sick, end up with mental issues and can even die.

And how when you kiss someone it’s a transfer of chemicals, and when a man kisses a woman his saliva is full of testosterone and he is implanting it in her, increasing her sex drive

And how it takes anywhere from ninety seconds to four minutes to decide if you’re interested in someone and that initial interest is based on three components

55% of it is their body language,

38% of it is the tone and speed of their voice

and only 7% of it is the content of what they are saying

And oxytocin in your brain creates a bond you feel with someone, and vasopressin keeps that bond long term so that you can still feel something for someone for a long period of time

and serotonin creates obsession, desperation, the honeymoon phase. And it floods your brain for about three months and then you go back to normal once again.

and sometimes people can determine the difference between their need to be loved and their need to love someone, so when the person you love leaves you it isn’t devastating because you love them, but because they means they don’t love you anymore

and why not? how dare they stop loving you?

and love has three components that artistotle originally attributed to humans

physical (eros), that is compassion, sensuality, sex

emotional (philia), that is friendship, affection, care

and intellectual/spriritual (agape) and that is the want to give love whether you get it back or not

normal, romantic love is associated with the first two, physical and emotional and the third comes in after a long period of time. After physical and emotional leave sometimes the intellectual is all that remains. Cue the ninety year old couples who haven’t had sex in thirty years but still take care of each other, still love each other, in a way.

But love requires all three components, not just one or two. You can’t just be physical, because it’s purely lust.

You can’t just be emotional, because there is no outside connection. No validity, no actions.

You need it all and that’s hard to achieve with one person.

I realize this is getting much longer than it needs to be but I guess I just learned a lot today and it gave me peace in a lot of ways and I love psychology.

I really agree with a lot of this and find the human mind and capacity to be wonderful.